Divorce: A Few Months In: When Separation Becomes a Marathon
The casseroles have stopped arriving. Friends check in less often, assuming you are "doing better." Meanwhile, your inbox fills with requests for financial statements, your weekends revolve around handover times, and a single text from your former partner can derail an entire afternoon. You thought the worst would be the beginning. Instead, you feel more tired now than you did in the first weeks.
This post, the second in our four-part series on separation and divorce, looks at why the middle months can be the most draining, how to balance practical demands with emotional recovery, how to manage contact with a former partner, and how to co-parent with less conflict.
Why the middle can be the hardest part
In the first days, adrenaline and an outpouring of support often carry people through. A few months later, both can fade while the demands keep coming: legal meetings, financial disclosure, negotiations, new routines, and sometimes ongoing conflict. At the same time, grief, anger, and fear have not finished their work.
Many people feel discouraged that they are not "over it" yet. Recovery from separation is rarely a straight line. Good weeks followed by hard ones are part of the process, not a sign that something has gone wrong.
Two tracks at once
A helpful way to think about this stage comes from research on grief. Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut's dual process model describes healthy coping with loss as a movement back and forth between facing the loss itself and dealing with the practical changes it brings, with breaks from both (Stroebe & Schut, 1999). Their model was developed for bereavement, but many people find it a useful lens for separation.
In practice, this means running on two tracks. The practical track includes lawyers, finances, paperwork, housing, and parenting schedules. The emotional track includes grief, anger, relief, loneliness, and questions about who you are now. Some people pour everything into the practical track and leave their feelings untouched until they surface in exhausting ways. Others feel so overwhelmed by emotion that practical tasks become impossible. Moving between the two, and allowing yourself real rest, tends to be more sustainable than living on either track alone.
Managing contact with a former partner
Contact with a former partner can reopen wounds, even when it is brief or polite. In one study that followed recently separated adults over several months, more frequent in-person contact with an ex-partner predicted greater separation-related distress a couple of months later, particularly for people who did not share children (O'Hara et al., 2020).
When you share children, contact is usually necessary. You can still shape it to protect your recovery. Many people find it helps to keep communication focused on logistics and children, use written communication such as email or a co-parenting app when conversations tend to escalate, set specific times to read and respond to messages, arrange handovers in neutral places if tension is high, and limit checking a former partner's social media. Pausing before responding to an upsetting message is one of the simplest and most powerful choices available.
Co-parenting with less conflict
Children are generally resilient after divorce, and conflict between parents is one of the strongest risks to their wellbeing (Kelly & Emery, 2003). Canada's Divorce Act also names protecting children from conflict as a duty for separating parents (Department of Justice Canada, n.d.).
One widely used approach for tense communication is the BIFF response, developed by mediator Bill Eddy through the High Conflict Institute. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm (High Conflict Institute, n.d.). Instead of replying to "You're late again, you obviously don't care about the kids" with a defence or counterattack, a BIFF-style reply might be: "The kids were waiting at 5:00. Can we confirm 5:00 for Friday? Thanks." The goal is not to win the exchange. It is to keep the focus on the children and the practical issue, and to avoid feeding the conflict.
Keeping children out of the middle also means not asking them to carry messages, not discussing legal or financial matters in front of them, and not asking them to choose sides. If communication stays highly conflictual, many provinces offer parenting-after-separation programs and family dispute resolution services that can help. Mediation and similar processes are not appropriate when there are safety concerns.
Signs you may need more support
It is common to struggle during this stage, and support can help long before things become unbearable. It may be time to reach out to a professional if low mood, anxiety, or sleep problems have lasted for weeks, if you are drinking or using substances more to cope, if you are finding it hard to function at work or at home, if thoughts about your former partner feel constant and intrusive, or if conflict is escalating or you feel unsafe. If you have thoughts of hopelessness or of ending your life, please reach out right away.
Reflection questions worth exploring
These prompts are best explored with a professional or a trusted person rather than used to reach conclusions on your own.
What has been the hardest part of these past few months?
Am I spending more time on the practical track or the emotional track, and what might I be avoiding?
What kind of contact with my former partner affects me most?
What is one boundary that would protect my recovery?
When did I last rest in a way that truly restored me?
Support at Vive Wellness Therapy
At Vive Wellness Therapy, we understand that the middle months of separation can be long, draining, and lonely. We offer a space to process the emotional side of this transition, build strategies for managing conflict and co-parenting, and look after yourself while the practical process unfolds. If you would like support, we would be glad to hear from you whenever you feel ready.
References
Department of Justice Canada. (n.d.). Fact sheet: Duties for parents and others. Government of Canada. https://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/fsdpo-fiopa.html
High Conflict Institute. (n.d.). The BIFF method: Respond to hostile messages. https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff/
Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children's adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352–362. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.00352.x
O'Hara, K. L., Grinberg, A. M., Tackman, A. M., Mehl, M. R., & Sbarra, D. A. (2020). Contact with an ex-partner is associated with psychological distress after marital separation. Clinical Psychological Science, 8(3), 450–463. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167702620916454
Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224. https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046
This article is provided by Vive Wellness Therapy for general informational and educational purposes only. It is intended to be used alongside professional therapy and is not a substitute for assessment, diagnosis, or treatment by a qualified health professional. It does not constitute legal or financial advice; please consult a family lawyer or family justice service in your province or territory about your situation. Research, legislation, and clinical guidance evolve over time, and information in this article may become outdated or contain inaccuracies. If you are experiencing abuse or feel unsafe, visit sheltersafe.ca to find support near you. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline, available 24/7 across Canada; in Quebec, calls connect to 1-866-APPELLE). If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 or go to your nearest emergency department.
