Three weeks after her mother died, she dreamed she walked into her childhood kitchen and found her mother at the counter, making tea as if nothing had happened. Her mother looked well, younger even, and said simply, "I'm alright, love." She woke with tears on her face, but for the first time since the funeral, something in her chest felt lighter. The next night she lay down hoping the dream would come back. It did not, and she found herself wondering what it meant, and why she could not make it happen again.
Dreams of people we have lost are among the most moving experiences in grief. They can bring comfort, longing, confusion, or distress, sometimes all in one night. This post explores how common grief dreams are, what researchers think the sleeping brain does with emotional experiences, and how to make sense of dreams of the deceased, whether they soothe you or keep you up at night.
Grief dreams are common
If you have dreamed of someone you lost, you are far from alone. In a study of bereaved adults, 86% of people who had lost a spouse or partner within the past two years, and 78% of people who had lost a pet, recalled dreaming of them (Black et al., 2019). In a survey of hospice caregivers, more than half reported dreams of their loved one after the death, and most described those dreams as pleasant or mixed rather than frightening (Wright et al., 2014).
A recent review of the research reached a similar picture across many countries and types of loss: dreams of the deceased are frequent, and they are often described as comforting (Mamat et al., 2026).
What the brain may be doing while you sleep
Sleep is not simply a pause from the day. During sleep, and especially during rapid eye movement (REM) sleep when most vivid dreaming happens, the brain appears to revisit and reorganize recent experiences, including emotional ones.
Sleep researchers Matthew Walker and Els van der Helm proposed a model they called "sleep to forget, sleep to remember" (Walker & van der Helm, 2009). In this model, REM sleep helps the brain hold on to the content of an emotional memory while gradually softening its emotional charge. REM sleep is a unique state in which noradrenaline, a chemical closely tied to the body's stress response, is largely switched off. The authors suggest this lets the brain revisit painful memories without the full physical alarm that came with them the first time. Over many nights, the memory may stay, but the sting may ease.
It is worth being clear about what this does and does not mean. This is a model, supported by a growing body of research on sleep and emotion, but it was not developed specifically to explain grief. Applying it to grief dreams is a reasonable extension, not a settled fact. Still, it offers a helpful way to think about why grief so often shows up at night, and why sleep matters so much after a loss.
Why grief dreams feel the way they do
Dreams tend to draw on what matters most to us while awake, so it makes sense that a significant loss finds its way into sleep. Many bereaved people describe similar themes. The person who died appears healthy, peaceful, or younger. They offer reassurance, say goodbye, or simply spend ordinary time together. Some people describe the dream as feeling more real than an ordinary dream.
Other grief dreams are harder. Some people dream of searching for the person, of the death happening again, or of the person being alive and then realizing in the dream that they are gone. These dreams can leave a person waking into fresh grief, as if the loss has happened all over again.
Many people find meaning in these dreams. Grief researchers describe "continuing bonds," the idea that healthy grief often involves an ongoing inner relationship with the person who died rather than complete letting go (Klass et al., 1996). For some, dreams are part of that relationship. Many cultural and spiritual traditions also understand dreams of the deceased as visits or messages. Science cannot settle what these dreams mean to you personally, and your own beliefs and traditions deserve respect in how you make sense of them.
If you do not dream of them
Some people feel hurt or worried when they do not dream of the person they lost, as if it says something about their love or their grief. Research offers some reassurance here. The strongest predictor of whether someone remembers dreaming of the deceased is simply how often they remember dreams in general (Black et al., 2019). Not dreaming of someone, or not remembering it, is not a sign that you loved them less or are grieving wrongly.
When dreams become nightmares
After a sudden, violent, or traumatic death, or after witnessing a difficult death, some people experience recurring nightmares. These may replay the death, involve danger, or leave a person dreading sleep. Some research has linked distressing dreams of the deceased with more severe grief and trauma symptoms, although findings are mixed (Mamat et al., 2026).
Frequent nightmares are treatable. Imagery rehearsal therapy, in which a person rewrites a recurring nightmare while awake and rehearses the new version, is recommended by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine for nightmare disorder and trauma-related nightmares (Morgenthaler et al., 2018). A therapist can help determine whether this or another approach fits.
Caring for your sleep while grieving
Grief often disrupts sleep. Some people cannot fall asleep, others wake at 3 a.m. with a racing mind, and some sleep far more than usual. A few gentle practices may help:
Keep a notebook by the bed and jot down dreams you want to remember or reflect on.
Keep a steady wake-up time where you can, even if nights are broken.
Notice your use of alcohol. It may help you fall asleep, but it tends to fragment sleep and disrupt REM sleep later in the night.
Talk about meaningful dreams with someone you trust. Sharing them can be part of remembering.
If a dream leaves you shaken, ground yourself before trying to sleep again: turn on a soft light, notice your surroundings, and remind yourself where you are.
When to reach out for support
It may be worth exploring with a professional if nightmares are frequent or replay the death, if you have started to fear going to sleep, if poor sleep is affecting your daily functioning, or if grief feels stuck or overwhelming months after a loss. If you are having thoughts of suicide, or of wanting to be with the person who died, please reach out right away.
Reflection questions worth exploring
These prompts are best explored with a professional or a trusted person rather than used to reach conclusions on your own.
Have I dreamed of the person I lost? How did I feel when I woke?
What do my dreams seem to bring up for me: comfort, longing, guilt, or fear?
What does my own culture or faith say about dreams of the deceased?
How has my sleep changed since my loss?
What helps me feel connected to the person I lost while I am awake?
Support at Vive Wellness Therapy
At Vive Wellness Therapy, we understand that grief does not stop when the day ends. Whether your dreams bring comfort, confusion, or distress, we offer a gentle space to explore them, care for your sleep, and find your own way of carrying the person you lost. If you would like support, we would be glad to hear from you whenever you feel ready.
References
Black, J., Belicki, K., & Emberley-Ralph, J. (2019). Who dreams of the deceased? The roles of dream recall, grief intensity, attachment, and openness to experience. Dreaming, 29(1), 57–78. https://doi.org/10.1037/drm0000100
Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (Eds.). (1996). Continuing bonds: New understandings of grief. Taylor & Francis.
Mamat, Z., Owaisi, R. B., Alrai, S., Goktepe, A. K., White, J., Bayley, P. J., & Elzamzamy, K. (2026). Dreams of the deceased: A scoping and mixed-methods systematic review. Sleep Medicine, 140, Article 108787. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sleep.2026.108787
Morgenthaler, T. I., Auerbach, S., Casey, K. R., Kristo, D., Maganti, R., Ramar, K., Zak, R., & Kartje, R. (2018). Position paper for the treatment of nightmare disorder in adults: An American Academy of Sleep Medicine position paper. Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 14(6), 1041–1055. https://doi.org/10.5664/jcsm.7178
Walker, M. P., & van der Helm, E. (2009). Overnight therapy? The role of sleep in emotional brain processing. Psychological Bulletin, 135(5), 731–748. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0016570
Wright, S. T., Kerr, C. W., Doroszczuk, N. M., Kuszczak, S. M., Hang, P. C., & Luczkiewicz, D. L. (2014). The impact of dreams of the deceased on bereavement: A survey of hospice caregivers. American Journal of Hospice and Palliative Medicine, 31(2), 132–138. https://doi.org/10.1177/1049909113479201
This article is provided by Vive Wellness Therapy for general informational and educational purposes only. It is intended to be used alongside professional therapy and is not a substitute for assessment, diagnosis, or treatment by a qualified health professional. Research and clinical guidance evolve over time, and information in this article may become outdated or contain inaccuracies. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline, available 24/7 across Canada; in Quebec, calls connect to 1-866-APPELLE). If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 or go to your nearest emergency department.
