The week after his father's funeral, he rebuilt the back deck. Every board, every screw, every evening until dark. His sister cried on the phone most nights and wondered aloud why he seemed so unaffected. "He hasn't even shed a tear," she told a friend. But out on the deck, with the drill in his hand, he was thinking about his dad the whole time. The deck was the one his father had always meant to fix.
Grief does not look the same for everyone. Some people cry, talk, and seek comfort from others. Others grieve through action, thinking, and doing. Many men, though not all, lean toward the second way, and their grief is often misunderstood, by others and sometimes by themselves. This post explores the different ways people grieve, why men's grief is so often overlooked, and what helps.
Two ways of grieving
Grief researchers Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin describe grief as falling along a continuum between two patterns (Doka & Martin, 2010). At one end is an intuitive style, where grief is experienced and expressed mainly through feelings: crying, talking about the loss, and seeking emotional support. At the other end is an instrumental style, where grief is experienced and expressed more through thinking and action: problem-solving, physical activity, creating something meaningful, or taking on tasks connected to the person who died.
Doka and Martin emphasize that gender influences these patterns but does not determine them. Many men grieve intuitively, and many women grieve instrumentally. Most people are somewhere in the middle, with a blend of both. Still, cultural expectations often push men toward the instrumental end, and that style is easily mistaken for not grieving at all.
Why men's grief is often overlooked
When grief does not involve visible tears, people around a grieving man may assume he is "fine," "over it," or even uncaring. Men themselves may wonder whether something is wrong with them because they do not cry. Many have also grown up with messages that strong men keep their feelings private, carry on, and look after everyone else. As a result, men may receive less support after a loss, and may be less likely to ask for it.
Instrumental grieving is not the problem. Doing, building, fixing, and staying active can be meaningful and healthy ways to process loss. The concern arises when activity becomes a way to avoid grief entirely, or when a man is struggling and no one, including himself, notices.
Healthy grief moves back and forth
Researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut describe healthy grieving as a process of moving back and forth between facing the loss and attending to the practical changes it brings, with breaks from both (Stroebe & Schut, 1999). Neither constant focus on the loss nor constant avoidance tends to work well over time.
For many men, this means making room for both sides. Staying busy and getting things done can be part of grieving. So can a few quiet moments to let the loss land: visiting a meaningful place, telling a story about the person, or simply sitting with what has changed.
When grief may need extra support
Grief is a natural response to loss, and there is no correct timeline. For some people, though, grief becomes stuck. Prolonged grief disorder is now recognized in diagnostic manuals, describing intense, persistent grief that significantly disrupts daily life long after a loss (American Psychiatric Association, 2022).
It may be worth reaching out to a professional if, months after a loss, you notice:
Ongoing numbness, or difficulty feeling anything at all.
Drinking more, or using other substances to cope.
Throwing yourself into work or activity so completely that there is no space to rest.
Irritability, anger, or withdrawal that is affecting your relationships.
Difficulty functioning at work or at home.
Thoughts that life is not worth living, or wanting to be with the person who died.
If you are having thoughts of suicide, please reach out right away.
What helps
Grieve in a way that fits you. If talking is not your way, that is okay. Activity, creating something, physical work, writing, or a project connected to the person can all be meaningful.
Make some room for the feelings, too. Even brief moments of letting the loss in can help grief move rather than stall.
Stay connected. Grief can be isolating. Time with a friend, even side by side doing something, can be supportive without needing a deep conversation.
Watch your coping. Notice whether alcohol, work, or other habits are helping you cope or helping you avoid.
Find support that suits you. Some men prefer practical, structured support, or grief groups designed for men. Online resources such as MyGrief.ca offer self-paced support that can be used privately.
Reflection questions worth exploring
These prompts are best explored with a professional or a trusted person rather than used to reach conclusions on your own.
How do I tend to grieve: through feelings, through action, or a mix of both?
What have I been doing to cope since my loss?
Is anything I am doing helping me avoid the loss entirely?
Who could I spend time with, even without talking about the loss?
What would honouring the person I lost look like for me?
Support at Vive Wellness Therapy
At Vive Wellness Therapy, we understand that grief comes in many forms, and that it does not always look the way others expect. We offer a space to understand your own way of grieving, make room for the loss at your own pace, and find support that fits who you are. If you would like support, we would be glad to hear from you whenever you feel ready.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425787
Doka, K. J., & Martin, T. L. (2010). Grieving beyond gender: Understanding the ways men and women mourn (Rev. ed.). Routledge.
Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224. https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046
This article is provided by Vive Wellness Therapy for general informational and educational purposes only. It is intended to be used alongside professional therapy and is not a substitute for assessment, diagnosis, or treatment by a qualified health professional. Research and clinical guidance evolve over time, and information in this article may become outdated or contain inaccuracies. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline, available 24/7 across Canada; in Quebec, calls connect to 1-866-APPELLE). If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 or go to your nearest emergency department.
